After reading the constantly dismal news lately, I’ve
decided that I can’t solve any of the world’s problems and many of my own. So I looked around for a problem I could
solve, one that could decrease the general anxiety I see and hear all around
me. I found one.
The problem: What to
call a former teacher when you meet them on the street or interact online.
As the former teacher to thousands of students, I’m especially
qualified to address this potentially awkward and potentially stress-inducing dilemma. However, as a teacher, I, of course, can’t
just give a quick answer. I need to
explicate, find context, provide exemplars, and create the mise en scène.
These days, with connections I’ve made through social media,
I’m communicating with students I taught almost 40 years ago. Back then, I was a secondary English teacher
and students were required to call me “Mr. Hughes.” That was a title I got used to for 12 years
until I moved on to teach at a community college where I asked students to call
me “Bob” somewhat successfully. Many
students were in their 20s and 30s, so calling a man in his late 30s/early 40s
by his first name seemed comfortable enough.
There were a few students whose upbringing and cultures wouldn’t allow
for that, and I understood their insistence and remained “Mr. Hughes” to
them. Then I complicated things by
earning a doctorate and changing roles.
As I assumed different titles (especially as professor or
dean), I gently found ways to remind folks that I wanted to be called “Bob.” I taught, over time, all graduate courses and
mid-career adults; so many students were again mostly comfortable with my first
name. But there were students and people
in the community who only felt comfortable calling me “Professor Hughes,” or
“Dean Hughes,” or “Dr. Hughes.” Encountering
all of these titles in the course of a day, it’s still sometimes exhausting to
remember whom I’m supposed to be to the speaker.
The upside is that the titles generally help me place
someone I can’t remember completely. If
someone from my past calls me “Mr. Hughes,” that person generally comes from my
pre-college-teaching days. “Dr. Hughes”
generally means that I’ve known the person since the degree was conferred. These locators help me scan my failing memory
to identify when I knew the person so that I can remember the person. But the most confusing is when someone calls
me “Dean Hughes.” I had the title at
three different institutions, so it’s a roll of the dice as to where and when I
knew the speaker.
While I’m on the subject, I may as well admit that the one
annoying appellation is when someone wants to acknowledge my professional
status and concurrently attempt familiarity by calling me “Dr. Bob.” Sorry, but that sounds like a Muppet
character. It’s definitely not me.
Okay. So my problem
of what to be called doesn’t rise to the level of crisis, or even “issue.” But it can lead to uncomfortable exchanges. I enjoy seeing people from the past 39 years
in education, and I enjoy hearing their stories. I want people I meet to feel at ease. Similarly, I’m guessing that if you encounter
former teachers, they also may not want the awkwardness of you being
embarrassed about what to call them. That’s
why I’m lending my extensive experience and knowledge to solving this one
problem. In this age when we need to be
more mindful of social conventions because of the complete lack of them in
people who should be providing role models, this is one problem for which I can
offer a simple solution.
As I noted above, I’ve always preferred to be called “Bob”
(not “Robert,” a name which I reserve for my family – another story
altogether). Therefore, if you’re a
former student reading this, that may solve the problem for you.
But what should others do when encountering a former teacher
other than me? It’s easy. Ask this question to your former teacher:
“When we last met, I used to refer to you as ‘[insert name]’. How should I address you now?”
Simple, huh?
The discussion might even give you a chance to talk about
how you and your former teacher have changed over the years. It also puts the decision in that person’s
control to address – always a good thing to do when there are questions of
propriety in how to interact with someone.
You might even consider this approach for other kinds of communications
where you ask another person’s preferences on other interactions. For example:
“Do you prefer to react to what I’ve said, or should I just keep rattling
on?” Or “I’ve been talking incessantly
about baseball. Is there another topic
that you’d prefer?” If enough people
used this approach, we might just start a spark of civility where we talked to
each other about our preferences instead of just assuming we know, or awkwardly
embarrassing ourselves when we discover that our assumptions are wrong.
Just ask. And if the
person asks why you’re asking, reply that Bob suggested it. And feel free to share….